02/06/2018 Giving up Fruit and Nuts (again)

In November I started experimenting with adding fruit back into my diet.  I limited myself to apples and grapes, with the occasional berry thrown in (blue- and straw-).  At first all seemed well, and I had no weight gain or other adverse effects.  I also added some nuts at the same time (mistake), AND stopped weighing every day (mistake).  That was three months ago; now it's time to look at the cold, hard truths.

My weight was at 150 lbs in November when I was eating "clean".  I stepped on the scale this morning and I am now at 159.6 lbs.  Oh hell no, we are not having any of this.  As of now, I have stopped all fruit and nuts, and I will resume daily weigh-ins.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I've also been consuming cheese far too often.

What the hell was I thinking??

Now, the fruit and nuts were a legitimate experiment, I feel, to see how my body would respond.  In hind sight, I should have continued my daily weighing AND tried only one of those items at a time.  (I may try one or both of those items again some day, but it will not be anytime soon.)  The cheese, however....???  I know my system does not tolerate cheese well.  I'm wondering if the sweetness of the fruit blinded my sense or sensibility, or something, causing some cravings that I wasn't even truly aware of.  (I think I just lost my damn mind for a while!)

So this is me, being accountable and truthful.  I have not been leading with the diet; I have not been weighing daily; I have not been taking good care of myself.  I have been allowing some emotional eating to creep in, and that is unacceptable.  (Still low carb. foods, but unacceptable for my system nonetheless.)  As of today, I am back to clean eating; no fruit, no nuts, no cheese, and I will weigh myself every morning.  I need that accountability, that number slapping me back to reality.  :-)

Weight Loss & Finding True Self: It's All Connected

It’s all connected…all of it; the weight loss affects everything, and everything is affected by the weight loss.  Everything! 

 This is going to sound weird at first, but bear with me.  The longer I am healthy the more mental and emotional issues are coming to the surface.  In essence, I guess being healthy is allowing me to finally deal with some things that I really didn’t even know were matters of concern.  And it’s only now, being at a stable place with my eating and weight, that I have the strength to stare down those problems and finally deal with them. 

Take hair, for example.  Hair, in and of itself, shouldn’t be a big deal, right?Unless your sense of self-worth and your supposed true self are tangled up in the belief that you NEED long hair.  Not want…NEED.  That without long hair, you are not enough.  That without long hair, you are not YOU.  Well, I am 55 years old and I am now on a journey to find?  --return to?  --present my authenticate self and, for me, the hair issue must be dealt with. 

I’ve lost 50 pounds over the past year and a half.  I’m fit now and healthy, looking good.  Yet unbeknownst to me, I was still clinging to a misconceived notion of what I need to look like.  I have thinning hair, an issue I’ve been dealing with since 2009.  Finally, in May of this year, I got a pixie cut because I was tired of the stress and anxiety of trying to make sure all my thin spots were covered, all day, every day.  Having a short cut helped immensely…I haven’t felt that happy and carefree concerning my hair in years.  Then a couple of months after the cut, I decided I wanted long hair again.  BECAUSE IN MY HEAD, THAT’S WHO I AM:  I am a Longhair.  Only I’m not, you see.  I can’t BE that person anymore because my hair won’t let me.  Even though I was ecstatic with the pixie cut, I was trying to turn back the clock and shove myself into a box where I *thought* I would be happy.  Why?  Why would I do that to myself?? 

So I had to have a talk with myself.  Remember when you were bald while taking chemo treatments?  Did you stop being Trisha?  Does hair, or absence thereof, honestly change who you are on the inside? 

There’s a song by India Arie that says it all.  And I’m parking the video here as a reminder to myself.  I am not my hair…I am not this skin.  “Was it the hair that got me this far?”

I have a hair appointment tomorrow morning to reclaim the pixie cut. 

And I will rock it.  J  

11/08/2017

150 lbs today
I've implemented a few changes recently that I want to document.  First, I've started weighing only once a week.  The daily scale ritual served me very well at the beginning of my weight loss journey, but at this point I feel it unnecessary.

Second, I've dipped my toe into the fruit end of the pool.  I gave my body a year and a half to detox, heal, and reset itself.  I figured now would be a good time to see if my body can handle natural sugars (fruit).  I started slowly (a week ago), and am eating only apples and grapes at the moment.

Third, I added some nuts back into my diet about two weeks ago, mostly almonds and pecans.

Wonder of wonders...NO WEIGHT GAIN.  I am observing very strict portion control...2-3 servings of both nuts and fruits per day, 1/4 cup portions of the nuts, and 1/2 cup portions of the fruits.

Very happy and excited!!

10/18/2017

Weight today is 151

I'm not posting to this blog much anymore; maybe once a month, maybe not.  My weight is fairly constant at 150-151, depending on what I eat.  I still weigh most every morning, although some weekends I do forget.  I'm not exercising, neither do I intend to start.  Should I?  Meh...honestly, I don't really believe in it, as it relates to weight loss/weight control.  If you enjoy exercising then knock yourself out.  I'll be the one in the corner, watching you sweat yourself silly whilst I enjoy a cup of Earl Grey.

I'm 18 months into this way of eating, so I know what I'm doing.  Can I call myself a "master" of this eating plan?  Mmm, I'm reluctant to do so.  Maybe at the 2 or 3 year mark...or 5 years...who knows.

All of that to say that I believe my body has hit "terminal" weight (150/151).  I'd be surprised if I lost any more pounds...and I'm fine with that.  I'm happy & content with my number and with the way my body looks now.

9/07/2017

Weight today is 150.8 lbs

I haven't updated this blog since July because nothing has happened.  My weight is exactly the same today as it was about a month and a half ago.  I'm thinking this is it--that my body is saying its happy at 150 pounds, which is fine by me.  There really aren't any foods I can give up at this point that would make a difference (cause me to lose), at least none I can think of...I'm still eating basically the same foods every day.  Eggs (4) scrambled in butter, with about 1/2 cups of broccoli for breakfast; chicken thighs (baked), salad (olive oil dressing), and about 2 cups of either green beans or cauliflower for lunch; and for supper, either more chicken, 1 or 2 ground been patties (depending on how big they are), with possibly another salad or more cauliflower, broccoli, or green beans.  Hubby can't understand how I don't get bored eating the same foods, but I really don't.  It gives me a sense of saneness, sensibility, and control.  And I just happen to love all those foods.  Once my weight has remained the same for, oh, I don't know, 3 months or so, then I may try adding some low carb fruits (berries) and/or nuts back into my diet, but I will have to be vigilant.  I still weigh every day, so the scale will let me know.

Kindergarten and Feelings

Sugar Cookie* started kindergarten today.  This day came around so fast!  In reality I know that it didn't happen fast, yet I feel as if it did.  I feel like today kindergarten, tomorrow high school.  Pay me no never mind; just a grandmother feeling all the feels today.  As I stood outside the school this afternoon, waiting for Sugar Cookie to depart, I engaged in one of my favorite activities:  people watching.  I like to observe people--I can't help it.  Anyway, I was watching a small group of young women talking together, in their 30's I would guess, all tanned and toned and skinny.  Now, in my fat days, I would have tried my best to make myself invisible because I would have felt inadequate compared to those younger, thinner women.  I would not have wanted to be compared to them.  Today I suddenly realized that I sensed nothing when I looked at them.  I didn't feel inadequate.  I didn't want to be invisible.  I felt...good enough.  Then I realized that these people would never think of me as fat--they didn't know me "when".  Anyone I meet now through Sugar Cookie's school is going to associate me with being skinny Nana.  Actually, anybody new I meet from here on out will never know the fat me, unless I show them pictures.  And that's kind of a weird feeling.

8/18/2017 ETA (I posted this entry yesterday, even though I knew in my heart it wasn't finished...I simply couldn't form the final thoughts as to what I needed to say.  Then on the quiet drive home, when a lot of my "aha!" moments come, I knew what else I wanted to say.  So here it is:

I don't want strangers to look at me and think dismissively, "She's probably one of those naturally skinny people who can eat anything they want and never gain a pound.  I wish I was like her."  Umm...NO.  I worked hard to get down to the size I am now.  I gave up a lot to lose those pounds, and I have to CONTINUE working hard to KEEP those pounds off.  As I've said before, it's simple but it ain't easy.  Nothing about this lifestyle is easy; this takes full-on commitment, and constant vigilance.  I guess I don't want anyone taking skinny Nana for granted.  The best I can hope for is that I can share this way of life with anybody who asks.


*The blog nickname for my granddaughter; she was born on national sugar cookie day.  :-)

7/27/2017

150.8 today

150 pounds...I haven't weighed this little since my initial foray into low carb, back in 05-06.  I hit the 150 mark once and the very next day went off plan (and stayed off plan for a very long time)...which I have no intention of doing this time.  It feels good being this weight but, I have to admit, it still messes with my mind a bit.  Every time I hit a new low weight, it takes me a few days to accept it.  I expect it now, that mental twitch, the unbelief (...that CAN'T be right), and I know I simply do the work and stay out of my head, and it'll be all right.