Weight Loss & Finding True Self: It's All Connected

It’s all connected…all of it; the weight loss affects everything, and everything is affected by the weight loss.  Everything! 

 This is going to sound weird at first, but bear with me.  The longer I am healthy the more mental and emotional issues are coming to the surface.  In essence, I guess being healthy is allowing me to finally deal with some things that I really didn’t even know were matters of concern.  And it’s only now, being at a stable place with my eating and weight, that I have the strength to stare down those problems and finally deal with them. 

Take hair, for example.  Hair, in and of itself, shouldn’t be a big deal, right?Unless your sense of self-worth and your supposed true self are tangled up in the belief that you NEED long hair.  Not want…NEED.  That without long hair, you are not enough.  That without long hair, you are not YOU.  Well, I am 55 years old and I am now on a journey to find?  --return to?  --present my authenticate self and, for me, the hair issue must be dealt with. 

I’ve lost 50 pounds over the past year and a half.  I’m fit now and healthy, looking good.  Yet unbeknownst to me, I was still clinging to a misconceived notion of what I need to look like.  I have thinning hair, an issue I’ve been dealing with since 2009.  Finally, in May of this year, I got a pixie cut because I was tired of the stress and anxiety of trying to make sure all my thin spots were covered, all day, every day.  Having a short cut helped immensely…I haven’t felt that happy and carefree concerning my hair in years.  Then a couple of months after the cut, I decided I wanted long hair again.  BECAUSE IN MY HEAD, THAT’S WHO I AM:  I am a Longhair.  Only I’m not, you see.  I can’t BE that person anymore because my hair won’t let me.  Even though I was ecstatic with the pixie cut, I was trying to turn back the clock and shove myself into a box where I *thought* I would be happy.  Why?  Why would I do that to myself?? 

So I had to have a talk with myself.  Remember when you were bald while taking chemo treatments?  Did you stop being Trisha?  Does hair, or absence thereof, honestly change who you are on the inside? 

There’s a song by India Arie that says it all.  And I’m parking the video here as a reminder to myself.  I am not my hair…I am not this skin.  “Was it the hair that got me this far?”

I have a hair appointment tomorrow morning to reclaim the pixie cut. 

And I will rock it.  J  

10/13/2016

Hair
It's been a week since the cut and I still love my shorter hair.  Honestly, I am a bit surprised; it is usually around this point after getting a cut that I decide to restart the growing-out process.  It sort of feels as if a switch has been flipped off...that I finally realize how much easier thin hair is to disguise with a shorter mane.  I'm still using Pantene shampoo for body, but I've added some lightweight mousse and hairspray to the routine.  (Still washing every other day.)  I'm also trying an apple cider vinegar rinse in place of conditioner; we'll see how well that works.  I've even started using a blow dryer again!  So the lineup goes like this:  wash, vinegar rinse, water rinse; towel dry, apply mousse, blow dry to just damp; comb into place & let air dry.  An hour or so later, after I'm dressed for work, I brush out my hair where I want it & then I use a little hairspray to keep everybody in their place.  I'm not worried anymore about my thin spots showing; this hair style is a winner.  

Weighty Matters
Current weight 167 1/2, and I'm on the 6th notch of the belt.  Yesterday was the wellness screening.  My weight registered at 169 1/2, fully clothed, shoes and all.  I was so tickled!  I don't think I've ever weighed that little at a wellness screening.  I'm very happy with my progress.  And yet...as I explained to my friend/mentor Adele, I'm having a weird reaction to being in the 160s.  It's almost as if there's a part of that thinks I don't deserve to weigh this much.  --And if I'm having trouble dealing with the 160s, what's going to happen when I reach the 150s?  --the 140s??  I'm not going to stop, that's for sure.  So that scared little girl inside me will simply have to learn to deal.  

A friend named Bob

Hair
Recently I had been stressing over my thinning hair.  Even though hair weighs virtually nothing, the thinness seems to worsen when my length hits a certain measurement.  Around shoulder length is apparently as long as I should go now.  *sigh*  I had so wanted to grow out my hair to terminal length just once, but the reality is that is not going to happen.  So yesterday afternoon I got a cut (with my usual scissors lady, Cheryl--she's a gem), a collar length bob...and my hair feels and looks amazing.  I love the way it moves!  I truly am at a point in my life where I need to keep my hair shorter.  Of course, I will continue to take good care of the hair I have, and I will probably always have a fascination with hair products.  I just need to change my mindset with regards to thinning hair and ego.  I do not require long hair (or any hair, really) to be me.  
My "muchness" comes from within.  :-)

Weighty Matters
168 today.  I'm down to the 5th notch on my belt.  

10/03/2016

Hair
Those of you who have read this (or the previous) blog know that my hair is thinning on top.  Most of the time I pretend it's okay...that I'm okay with it.  I am not.  I try to pretend that the thin spots are covered if I comb my hair a certain way, or if I use thickening shampoo it helps.  It does not.  Just in the past couple of weeks I've noticed my hair, well, the hair on top of my head, looking thinner, and I'm wondering if its because of length.  Most hair weighs very little, yet when one is dealing with thinness/baldness issues then I guess even an extra ounce has enough pull to cause problems.  My hair is now bra strap length and I'm considering cutting it back to shoulder length or even shorter.  I mean, my hair looks okay (sort of) when I pull it up into a clip.  But I have the feeling I'm doing harm to it by wearing it that way almost every day.  So I'm dealing...well, TRYING to deal with the harsh reality that I may never be able to have long hair again.  I'm very sad about it.  I'm trying NOT to be sad, yet I am.  I think I should make an appointment with my stylist and get her opinion.  *sigh*

Weighty Matters
I've been "Leading With the Diet" for 5 months now.  This way of eating gives me the clarity I need to get through situations like what I described above.  Next week The Mister and I are participating in a wellness screening sponsored by the university where I work (free through my insurance) and for the first time in a long time, I am actually looking forward to getting the results.  I'm especially eager to compare this year's results (such as weight) with those of my last screening, which happened so long ago that I can't even remember the year.  I'll share those numbers here when I get them.