05/23/2016
183.5 this morning
I hurt a pinky toe (left foot) last Tuesday; a heavy door "squarshed" it.
I couldn't put any weight on it for about 24 hours without the pain almost
sending me to the ground. It may be/may have been broken or fractured--I don't know.
I didn't seek medical attention because I know nothing can be done,
medically speaking, for a broken toe except to do what I have been doing,
which is be careful and wear comfortable shoes. Besides the pain of the thing,
what I'm missing are my twice-daily walks. I thought maybe I could try to
resume them today (or at least one), but I realize that ain't gonna happen.
Let's see, tomorrow makes one week since the toe got injured. There's
improvement but not enough. So who knows how long it will be before
I'm walking for exercise again. Clearly, at this point, I don't need the walks
for losing pounds; that's coming along nicely, thank you. But I do enjoy
those walks for...call it emotional sanity. I know, it's only a temporary
situation but it's still frustrating.
Adele's Response:
I understand completely. Exercise, mostly walking, was how I slowly worked through the emotions I had been eating down with "yummy" foods, although I honestly didn't understand that's what I was doing until I'd done it a few years and some long-buried ones sort of bubbled up. I found listening to music while I walked also helped bring my feelings to the surface.
I have also probably broken a toe a few years ago (probably because I never saw a doctor so don't have confirmation), I know that pain, it takes 4-6 weeks to go totally away.
You may find your cravings increasing somewhat as your best emotional outlet is temporarily taken away from you. I hope you won't resort to eating them down to make them go away. I honestly think they HAVE to come out, and that they will in their own good time. All the while you're eating clean through them, learning you can have feelings and not need to "fix" or "treat" them.
Honestly when I was at your point in the journey, I was pretty sure I had no emotional ties to food/eating, that I just had a fussy body that needed to be fed right whether I liked it or not. And while I wasn't wrong about my body, it slowly dawned on me that both things were true: I had a fussy body AND had developed a system to shut uncomfortable emotions off at the pass.
If that all sounds like too much, just ignore me, lol. Just eat clean and let your body (and your mind, if it needs to) deal with the consequences of that. Also, I never said you couldn't binge if you "need" to. You can binge on any lowcarb vegetable you want. I did, probably more than a few times. It didn't harm my body at all. And of course it was totally ineffective at shutting down feelings. I believe that was all part of the slow learning I had to do to change my relationship with food and my body.
Adele
(I forgot to weigh myself today, but I'm healing and positive I'm not gaining weight, lol)
05/25/2016
Oh joy, oh rapture--let the daily walks resume!!
I just got back from one...thought I'd give it a try, just to see how the toe would respond.
There's no pain whatsoever, as long as I don't hurry. And there's no reason to hurry; it's
not as if I'm race-walking. It's the summer term here at the university where I work, so the
campus is practically empty. NICE!
Adele, I hear what you're saying about "eating down emotions". I'd venture to guess that almost
everyone who has a problem with food has issues dealing with emotions. The walking seems to help me,
because I allow my mind to wander while I walk. What's that called? Free association or something
like that. Anyway, you know what I mean. It often seems easier to ponder things and work them out
as I walk...no ringing telephones, no co-workers, no interruptions. And being "clean" helps to foster
a strong base from where I can gently search out feelings and issues. Yet I also remind myself often that
I don't have to resolve all of my issues at once. I feel I have plenty of time for that, another strength that being
"clean" has given me.
Hope you're healing well!
05/26/2016
Waffling between 183 and 182.5 today
The toe is bothering me today, when I stand or walk. I am loathe to say this is due to yesterday's walk, but it's either that or the weather system hanging over us right now (barometric pressure from a severe thunderstorm). In any case, I will not walk my route today as I do not want to irritate the injury further.
It's very interesting to be in a place/state of mind where I can appreciate the sight and smells of high risk foods but yet not be tempted to indulge. For instance, last night The Husband and I ate at our favorite restaurant, the little family style joint in the next town. The Husband asked for onion rings as an appetizer, and our waiter suggested he try them with honey mustard. The Husband did, loved them and said, "You've got to try these!" He almost insisted (which would have pissed me off, pardon my french). The onion rings smelled good, and I said so to him, but I wasn't even tempted to go off plan. It helps to keep in mind that weakness Adele talks about in one of her essays (can't recall the name). Someone made the comment that she was so strong to eat the way she does, but Adele corrected the person. Basically saying that no, she was actually weak; that she knew if she took just one bite of the high-risk food then she wouldn't be able to stop. That weakness, the knowledge and acknowledgement of it, actually gives us strength.
It's raining, lightning and thundering like crazy, so I'm going to get this posted before we lose power!!
Adele's Response:
Just some random thoughts. Mostly I want to urge you to just keep going. You WILL be tempted, I *still am momentarily tempted now and then, just keep walking the straight path, telling that little girl inside you that you know she wants something fun...good...sweet, but you're taking charge and making stronger decisions. One day at a time. Day after month after year. But mostly as they say in AA, "stay in the day" -- be careful about overthinking and getting ahead of yourself. We all seem prone to doing that, I sure do.
One piece of advice for broken toes I've read is to tape the toe to the toe next to it. Can't remember if I did that or not, but if your toe is broken, you're going to have to baby it for a while. Remember: this will pass. And if you let it, this can be the first emotional challenge of this cleaner journey you're on. You will likely WANT to medicate your frustrations and feelings away. Remember, you don't HAVE to. The feelings will pass whether they are medicated or not. If you medicate, you'll bring more problems on yourself. Just eat steady, steady, steady!
I had a tiny bit of sugar yesterday in the surgeon's office, I *might have had a low blood sugar episode brought on my severe pain when he removed my surgical drain. He said give her some sugar! I declined at first, but was clammy and trembling all over, so I had a single lifesaver--and it helped. I'll post about it in my own thread, maybe early next week. I'm okay, I won't cave, but sugar definitely still has power over me these many years later.
I'll look forward to reading your next post, Tricia!
Adele
(134 this morning)
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