172 this morning
So yesterday I got a letter in the mail from an aunt. I expected it to be a reminder about the upcoming family reunion, but no...Turns out another aunt (who has been deceased for quite many years) had given up a baby girl for adoption back in the 1950s (she was not married at the time). It was like, "Surprise! Y'all have another cousin!" Apparently a couple of the other aunts had known, but had taken the secret to the grave. The letter gave the new cousin's name and mentioned she has a Facebook account, which I've already stalked. (There is a family resemblance...) I'm probably making more out of this, emotionally, than I should, but I'm feeling sad, a little freaked out, and just pissed off in general. It's the secret-keeping that gets to me, y'all. The first thought I had after reading the letter was, "What other secrets have they been keeping??" My husband doesn't understand why I'm mad but, you see, it goes to an issue of trust. And I know, I know...having a baby "out of wedlock" in the 1950s, 60s and even 70s was a SIN. It simply was not done; I get that, really I do. Even in the 80s, when I gave birth as a single mother, it was still a big deal. But why keep it a secret? Why couldn't she/they have simply told the truth?? --That in 1956 she gave birth to a baby and didn't feel capable of taking care of said baby on her own, and by giving her up for adoption she felt she was giving the baby a better chance at having a good life.
Anyway, I'm feeling a lot of different feels today, having trouble processing it. I know I'll get there; it'll just take time. And this morning when I woke up still thinking about the new cousin, I thought, "thank god for Leading With the Diet"...thank god I'm on an even, safe keel with my eating because this situation is one that would definitely have landed me face-down in a cake a few months ago. I would have allowed my emotions to carry me this way and that, and would have tried to drown them out by cramming "dragon" food in my mouth. Thank god for sane eating.
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